Recently I went to a conference which focused on the empowering presence of God in our lives. I wasn’t sure what to expect other than knowing that a desired outcome for me would be coming into the presence of God in a way that I hadn’t done so before. You could say I went there hungry for a touch from God… but I was sadly disappointed.
It wasn’t the teaching. It was biblical and mostly sound from what I could discern. It wasn’t the worship. That was great, although I wasn’t really getting into it as most were. For a long time now I have been hungry for a power encounter with God… not just for the sake of experience but to sense the Lord’s embrace and empowering presence. I can not help reading the book of Acts with amazement and wondering could this be my experience today? I know theologically I have arrived at that place and I have seen many who have had this experience many times over (to the point of saying it’s a regular part of life)… but I felt I had yet to encounter this personally.
As the conference went on I was becoming more and more despondent. I could see many around me who were somewhat lost in the presence of God and yet I was feeling and experiencing nothing. Why was this so? By the end of the conference I had hit rock bottom – probably the lowest time in my life. It was a feeling of being abandoned by God or passed over and no matter what I told myself I could not pick myself off the floor. What was God doing or not doing? I would think to myself – the bible says “seek and you will find’ – but I was finding little.
At the close of the evening I went and spoke to one of the key note speakers about what I was experiencing (or not as the case may be) and he had some helpful insights. He shared that he too had gone through a similar situation of hungering for God, seeing other experience things that he desired and yet came up with nothing. He was disheartened by this and sort the advice of his Senior Pastor. The advice he was given was this: When you read Acts 2, what is happening? Answer: The Spirit came and fell on the disciples causing them to behave like drunk man in bodily form and yet speak another language perfectly. Yes… but what was happening for Peter? Answer: He was not stagering around like a drunk man but in control, addressing the crowd powerfully. The senior pastor looked at him and said “if you had had the same experience as all these people in the congregation do you think you would be of any use in leading us in worship”? A good insight I think.
Another insight was to make sure that despite what I may or may not feel (God’s presence is always with us), always place yourself in a position of receiving. This was important for me to hear because in many ways I was wanting to shut down, expecting God not to do anything.
Several days after, once the feelings of sorrow had past, I was bringing the garbage bins back in (of all things) and listening to praise and worship music on my headphones. In my mind I was picturing what it would be like to worship God the way I so desparately wanted to but never had. Tears came to my eyes as I asked myself the question why. Why didn’t I worship God unrestrictedly? Why am I so concerned about what everyone else will think when all that matters is what God will think….. and then this still soft voice came – “this is why you do not enter into my presence the way your heart desires because you resist the Holy Spirit“. I knew at that moment it was God’s voice speaking. I was immediately convicted. Forgive me Lord that I would ever resist the Spirit. Please release me to worship you with all my heart, mind, body and strength!
